Good Advice

“YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.”

This was posted on a friends wall and I thought I would share it as

a.) it’s funny as hell and

b.) it’s so true!

Faltering (a non epic poem)

I am faltering
walking the strait and narrow path
each step becoming more broken
the mood more dark
I cast about for a light and find none there
I care not as it grows dark
I look forward to it
to embracing it
losing oneself
this path that does not seem broken
or is it?
I am faltering and I do not care
I look forward to when it is no longer faltering and I have
finally
Faltered.

Things not to say to a police office when they ask…?

Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

1. Because of all these people speeding I am the only one dumb enough to?

2. Because I was doing 120 in a 35 mile an hour zone?

3. Becuase you didn’t have anything else to do today?

4. Becuase you need to fill a qota?

5. Because your buddy didn’t get my number the first time I was pulled over?

6. Because I was the only one going slow enough for you to catch?

7. Yes ocifer!

8. Because you noticed me from America’s Most Wanted?

9. Because driving skyclad on a Harley was just to much of an opportunity to pass up?

10. Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

11. You must have been going 120 mph to keep up with me.

12. Nice mustache, did you get that at a costume shop?

13. Wanna drink?

These next ones I got from another website

14.  “Bad cop. No Donut.”

15.  I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer.

16. The other officer only gave me a warning!

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around,
that’s how far they are ahead of me.

18. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my
lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out
of control

19. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

20. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

In the breakroom

So it has been awhile since I have shared stuff about work (hmm or did I ever) well any who, I’m sharing now

So I am sitting in the breakroom listening to my iPod and minding my own business when…

Guy comes into the breakroom and and says he learns the word for orange juice in chinese. The girl sitting by me looks up and says “Oh, I know this let me think” and she starts hopping up and down in her chair and waving her hands trying to remember. After about a minute of this guy says “ok-are you ready now?” The girl shakes her head and says it’s not coming to her so guy says “the chinese word for orange juice is Tang!”

Later in this same breakroom, again listening to my iPod, Flighty Happy Never Takes a Breath While Talking Person comes in to share that one of the managers didn’t know what a Ménage à Trois was.  Of course this was enough to make me take off my headphones and shut off my iPod as I just couldn’t pass on hearing about why a manager not knowing what a manage-a-trois was so important.

My burning question of course was who in this day and age with all the technology surrounding us could NOT know what a Ménage à Trois was. I mean a few brief moments of watching the show Blue Mountain State should answer that question and many more for the most ignorant of people.Turns out a customer had called in about it and it came over the radio.  Now in a store full of people you would think that should something like this ever came up that there would be some caution about what went on over the airwaves (well, we all have to get our kicks somewhere). After all the heckling that would of course come along with this type of announcement, You have the one manager come over the radio asking what it was.

Well, the manager was educated by Flighty Happy Never Takes a Breath While Talking Person (who of course went around announcing it to everyone) and so now I will educate those few lost souls out there who have happened the remain in ignorance for all this time. A Ménage à Trois is a very nice, very smooth, and very cheap white or red wine from Folie à Deux Winery.

;0)

Continuum

3WT #41

The Words:
scaevity: unluckiness, left-handedness
gnathonize: to flatter
roblet: to lead astray

Dr. Rhinovan sat in the audience listening to the endless parties come and go for their requests for more money and grants and leniency for their mundane scientific research. Of them all only about five showed promise. Yes, five different disciplines and they all were inner related. They just needed some one to roblet them from academia. Dr. Rhinovan had waited a long time to for such an alignment of disciplines. The scaevity of the modern world to have such narrow, public views of these sciences was mind baffling, especially seeing as what was happening to our planet. Over-population, starvation, epidemic, the green house effect-all of these could be found in the bible and in general everyday news and science journals and yet no one really took it seriously. Propaganda directed the masses elsewhere or had them believing all the doom and gloom were all hype. These sciences that could help and save millions, these sciences were pushed under the carpet-people studying those called crackpots and ignored. No matter how intelligent they were or how much proof they could show.

The corporation that Dr. Rhinovan was apart of was a secret one comprised of people from all over the world and from all disciplines. From medical doctors to teachers, all the best in their field and nearly all of them stifled by their peers. It was these people that, once all brought together, would walk into the future. If they were one time that was.

Well, that was enough internalizing. Time to gnathonize these young doctors and get them over onto his side. And why wouldn’t they come? After all, could offer them all what they so badly wanted. No, there should be no problems. None at all. Writing down the name of the five doctors he passed it on to his assistant, who would know what to do with it. There were procedures to be followed. After all, they couldn’t just invite anyone to join them now could they?

2 Weeks later…

“Jaime? I’m back” walking to the back of the lab Dr. Blackstone caught the strains of Beethoven’s Sonata in C Opus 2 No. 3 Adagio. It was one of Jaime’s favorites when he was in a foul mood. He always said the music was like a line into his soul of what he was feeling-that while it didn’t come off as being angry, there was a dark undertone to it that he just connected with. He told Dr. Blackstone once that it gave him comfort knowing that there was someone out there who, although now dead, understood him and was able to transform it into music. For the life of him, Dr. Blackstone couldn’t understand it nor could he hear the darkness his young Jaime stated he could hear. To him the strands were just there, slightly soothing, mostly boring. He himself much preferred the great Oz. Well, to each his own. He wondered what had gotten Jaime into such a foul mood this time. Walking through the door he didn’t need to ask. His Lab was in complete chaos, as though someone had run a wind cyclone experiment inside it. “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE?” he yelled. Jaime jumped but then turned angry eyes to him, his face red and blotchy, he was so angry he could barely speak.

“It was the Dean DR. Blackstone, he just came in and said that he was kicking us out. That we have a week to pack up our gear and be gone. He said that none of our studies were irrelevant and that all the work we had put in was a waste. I got kicked out! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT BLACKSTONE, HOW CAN WE GET TOSSED OUT LIKE THIS WITHOUT A REVIEW OR AN ACADEMIC TRIAL. I HAVE BUSTED MY ASS THESE PAST TWO YEARS ONLY TO HAVE SOME MEALY MOUTHED JERK COME IN HERE AND TAKE IT ALL AWAY-HOW I ASK YOU!” The louder Jaime’s voice rose the harder he pounded on the table he was so angry. Dr. Blackstone was having a hard time believing what he was hearing, let alone seeing. He had never seen Jaime so angry. And this worried him. “There must be some mistake! Our science is sound and relevant. We are at the forefront of nano science! Did he leave a note or say anything else?”

Jaime looked at him for a moment and then “Yes. There was one other thing Dr. Blackstone. You’re fired.”

“uhm-hmmm. Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing and though I am sorry for you, for me this couldn’t have happened at a better time. Let me introduce my self. I am Henry Gustafson and I am the personal assistant to Dr. Rhinovan. Dr. Rhinovan would like to invite you and your assistant to participate in a scientific adventure. You will excuse me I am on a bit of a time line-I have 2 more contacts to make before tomorrow ends. Here is the paperwork for the both of you. A Sindy Mayan will be at the airport awaiting your arrival. She will be your guide. And again, sorry for the circumstances under which we are meeting, but know that we had no hand in this.” With that the little wiry man in spectacles clipped his heels and jetted out the door, leaving the young scientist and his young assistant starring after him.